Wednesday, April 21, 2010

sometimes i feel so full up with things it's hard to stay shut.

shut up, does anyone know what that means? when thoughts are trapped inside your head, like butterflies in jars, beating against your skull, sneaking down your throat to fill up your lungs... so full up, swelling so much it feels like you'll burst. when words rise up the way the thoughts came but were held in by teeth an small-smiling lips, until your mouth is coated with what-could-have-saids. it's not a bad feeling, not sad, it doesn't tear me up at all. feeling full up, feeling shut up is like letting myself see what's around me, really see and notice and feel. the colour of the ocean from the window, the tree that was rustling yesterday but is suddenly bare now, the crow sitting in it too, cawing and cawing until even it is hoarse, before it starts up again, almost as if bleating out an urgant warning. crows, death, change. it had a hole in its wing feathers, a hole that let the ice blue sky shine through, set against the glossy black like the blue and ebony of a ulysses butterfly. and the thought of butterfly crows fills me up as well. and i'll smile to show all my teeth, let what-could-have-saids feel the changing air. just the strange beautiful everything that is, the thought that normal is something woven about us as delicate, thin, unseeable as a spider's web, and something much less tangible. but everything is beautiful and everything is changing. and i don't call it god, but i will go so far to call it the simplest magic there is, just the is of everything. the ever behind us full of sand and time, the evanescent uncertainty of an ever in front of us, and the now. the ever.

6 comments:

  1. You are so absolutely right. Sometimes Silence speaks acres more than impotent words could articulate and then it's best to keep quiet and let your eyes wander around the world, trying to soak in the beauty of all that surrounds you.

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  2. Dearest Grace, this is marvellous. I love the idea of "what-could-have-saids". The whole piece flows beautifully, spinning a silken web around me, entangling me in the words, magnificent.

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  3. oh dear, your comment really made me smile. thank you so much. Xx

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  4. i feel like this so often. i really cannot believe how much we have in common. my empty heart goes out to you, and i hope you will appreciate it even though it is forgotten and hollow; maybe we can fix eachother's hearts again.
    i cannot wait until i receive your letter. the fairies told me it should get here soon, so i'm very excited ♥ xxx

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  5. This is such a magical writing, dear. I love the way you describe this feeling I sometimes have. Lately I've been thinking people talk too much, I enjoy silence. I love staring at my thoughts and knowing they are mine and no one else's.
    Your words made me dream today, you've got such a big talent ♥

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